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Essential Manners Guide for 2009

Posted Tue, Jun 02, 2009, 12:28 pm PDT
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We love the modern age with all of its technological wonders and ridiculous conveniences (A drive-thru window at Dunkin' Donuts. Valet parking at IHOP and the grocery store.). Still, every now and then we do yearn for the polite and proper vibe of yesteryear. We do not want to be our grandmothers, so we just picked the most important etiquette basics that desperately need a comeback in 2009!
  • Walking a Girl to the Door  Perhaps a bit old-timey, yes, but in today's uncertain world, seeing that a girl gets safely inside her home is not only sweet, but in our opinion, it's absolutely necessary. Having someone keep an eye on us makes us feel cozy and cared for. The all-time worst offenders are those who do a drop-off from the car and then have the audacity to drive away before making sure that a friend, family member, or significant other is safely in the house.
  • Saying Please & Thank You to Strangers  Please and thank you are on the verge of extinction. With close friends and family we assume it's unnecessary -- don't they know we appreciate them? No! They can't read our minds, so verbal please or thank yous are still required to make them feel noticed and needed. It's gotten even worse with strangers. Why? Because people are rushed and stressed, and because of a widespread belief that if you're paying someone to do something you don't need to say "thank you." Whether you're being served pancakes at a diner or getting change back at a tollbooth, always show appreciation. These little words quickly bring smiles and lighten loads through long work days. Sure, you're paying them, but you'd be lost without them, too!
  • Returning Calls and Emails  So basic yet so NOT happening. It's shocking how much of an epidemic this has become. If a friend or acquaintance sends you something, acknowledge their effort. Even if it's just a return email to say "thank you but no thank you," it's time to get off of your high horse and have some common decency. A simple response takes less than 10 seconds. And we all know how good it feels to have an email returned - it lets you know that as busy as someone is, they feel you're important enough to earn a response. Not getting a response, on the other hand, feels crummy -- and leaves your mind reeling: did they not get my email, are they not interested in continuing this friendship, are they angry about something, or are they too busy with "more important things" to give me a simple six-word response ("I will get back to you")?
  • Opening Car Doors  We can hear some guys groaning over this one. But in fact, whether it's the car, your home, a store or restaurant, opening doors is a polite and much appreciated gesture. If it's a first date or romantic outing with your longtime mate, this is always a very cool move to bust out and one worth noting too -- a few extra brownie points never hurt! Having a car door opened makes you feel a little regal, a bit pampered, and why not! And as for women opening doors for men -- we're all for it. If you're walking into a building and notice a man right behind you, by all means open that door for him. (On dates, however, we reserve the right to be girly-girls and let the guys do door duty!).
  • Removing Your Hat During Meals  We don't care if you're having a bad hair day, eating while donning a Dodgers cap just feels a little too casual to us (and we live in Los Angeles, where caps are virtually part of the uniform). We have nothing against dressing down, but there's something about dining in your hat that makes us feel you're ready to make a dash for the exit at any moment. Besides, we may end up thinking you're just trying to hide something (like maybe a thinning patch on top?)... As for eating with your sunglasses on, don't even think about it. When you sit down for a meal, take off your coat, your hat, your glasses -- it lets others know that you're going to stay awhile, relax, and enjoy their company.
  • Writing Letters  In the age of non-stop emails and texting, the thought of actually sitting down to write a note or letter -- longhand, no less -- may be unthinkable. But it's a lost art that we'd like to bring back. Receiving a handwritten card, letter or even a postcard (for crying out loud!) from a friend or loved one is such a treat. Plus, your fingertips probably need a break from that handheld.
  • Yielding Right of Way  We admit, sometimes it seems to take an eternity for the darn elevator to arrive. Still, you need to let people get OFF, before you rush on. This also goes for subways, buses, and anything else with an exit/enter pattern. But these days it's more common to see people cramming themselves on board as if someone is giving away free parcels of land or free gallons of Ben & Jerry's. Why has this become commonplace? The pace of today's world is fast and furious. People are always in a rush -- to get to a meeting, to complete as many errands as possible, to make the eight o'clock movie. But the difference between politely waiting (or not), probably averages about twenty seconds or less. So, calm down and wait your turn already!
  • Lending A Helping Hand  The next time you see someone struggling to lift a big box or cram a stroller through a swinging door, step up and help them out. Don't brush it off, assuming that they'll work it out or that someone else will step in to help. We're all in a hurry these days and dealing with challenges of our own, but it's it feels so good to slow down for a second and play the good Samaritan. Not to mention, you win good karma points!
Not all the manners of yesteryear are worth bringing back. Among those we would vote to kiss goodbye...
  • Elbows on the Table  Sorry grandma, but the whole elbows-off-the-table thing is too strict for today's relaxed body language. Occasionally, we like to put ours ON the table as we lean forward intently to hear what our dinner partners are saying, or gaze romantically into our amour's eyes. No one ever got hurt or offended by our elbows (as far as we know).
  • Ma'am and Sir  We know it's said in shops and elsewhere with the best of intentions, but being called "ma'am" makes us feel old. There are plenty of other ways to show respect -- like saying please and thank you!
  • Making Kids Call Adults Mr and Mrs  We have kids and we're teaching them to be courteous and kind, but we don't force them to call their friends' parents by formal Mr. and Mrs. titles. It feels stiff and outdated. Besides, our children enjoy adults as much as kids. They should be able to call all of their friends (both the small and the grown-up) by friendly first names.
  • And check out these wedding traditions that need the boot.

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  • 1. Posted by mistermacgillicutty on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 8:30 am PDT

    Usage of "ma'am" and "sir" depends on geography: in the South, people still say ma'am and sir, and children are often told to call adults "miss" or "mister" and the person's first name: "Miss Jane" or "Mr. John." Not stiff or awkward, but good etiquette specific to this region.

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  • 2. Posted by paulmcg on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 5:44 pm PDT

    how about blinkers in traffic or driving at or above posted speeds and not brakeing while going down hills you should write a driving manners because those are completely lost.

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  • 3. Posted by katy_elwood on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 5:45 pm PDT

    THIS IS TRUE. YES, MA'AM, NO MA'M...YES SIR , NO SIR ALWAYS USE THESE RULES WHEN SPEAKING TO SOMEONE FROM THE SOUTH PROPER. ON THE OTHER HAND, NEVER NEVER USE THESE TERMS WHEN SPEAKING TO PERSONS IN THE NORTH. MISSING THE MARK ON EITHER POINT WILL CAUSE A VOLITILE REACTION FROM THE PARTY BEING ADDRESSED.

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  • 4. Posted by Shanna M on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 5:49 pm PDT

    I completely disagree with them on getting rid of Ma'am and Sir and not having my children address adults as Mrs or Mr. These are long held traditions and manners that are being lost to informality. My children will be raised to say yes, sir/ma'am and to call elders by Mrs and Mr... it is a sign of respect, which so many adults lack, let alone kids, because their parents didn't enforce these simple customs/manners. And for those that live in the south, these simple customs/manners are alive and enforced. If you feel old because I call you Sir/Ma'am... you need to refocus on what is being said!!! So what if you feel old.

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  • 5. Posted by runswscissors12 on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 5:55 pm PDT

    I agree about the kids calling people ma'am, sir, Mr. or Mrs. How uncomfortable for the kids to use good old fashioned manners. Very stiff. We just have our kids say yeah and uh huh and make up funny nicknames for our adult friends. I think that is better don't you.

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  • 6. Posted by Lisa S on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 6:10 pm PDT

    Having lived in both the north and the south, I can tell you that the use of Ma'am and Sir, Miss and Mr. are geographical. Moving from the south to the north, I was always described and complemented on my manners. Having spent most my years in the north, I appreciated visits to the south where adults were shown respect by use of ma'am's and sirs, and the mr. and mrs. Southern children visiting us in the north are always described as having better manners because of the way they address adults. Yes, it was a shock the first time someone addressed me as Ma'am...but contrasting friends using first names verses Miss Lisa, or Yes Ma'am... I will take the more polite version every time... What is more often replaced than not is yeah, no and Lisa (I'm not their friend, I'm their parent's friend).

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  • 7. Posted by marquee on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 6:11 pm PDT

    yeah..I am so glad people still realize the essence of good manners and right decorum...

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  • 8. Posted by nicholasmls on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 6:33 pm PDT

    Completely disagree with the Mr or Mrs to adults.You rarely see children show respect for adults these days, they often speak to adults the same way they would with there juvenile friends. Mr or Ms the first name is a nice comprimise.

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  • 9. Posted by hope u on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 6:55 pm PDT

    It certainly is NOT outdated for kids to call all adults Mrs, Ms or Mr. It is good manners.

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  • 10. Posted by Chantal on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 6:57 pm PDT

    Totally disagree with children not calling adults (even their friends' parents) Mr. or Mrs. Are you kidding me? If I called my friend's parents by a name without the 'Mr. or Mrs.', my parents would kill me! If I have children, I will certainly teach them to address adults properly. I was raised to respect adults and always address them properly. Kids today have poor manners and they could benefit from a few old fashioned lessons in good manners. And there's nothing wrong with calling people Ma'am or Sir either. I don't care if you think it's old fashioned. I'd rather be over polite than offensive especially in front of older adults. Give me a break. Some people actually appreiciate it when there are people in the world who still have decent manners.

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  • 11. Posted by brucelizz@sbcglobal.net on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:02 pm PDT

    I think you are off base with the Mr. and Mrs. advice. It is a simple show of respect. I don't believe children should speak in the same manner to adults as they do their peers, and that includes using first names.

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  • 12. Posted by cosmicjunkiexxx on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:07 pm PDT

    Wow, You are so of the mark with this!!! Yes Ma'am and Sir are good manners, it's a shame the rest of the world seems to have lost theirs. All the kids always called me Ms Cathie, it was kind of like a term of endearment. As in calling someone Auntie.

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  • 13. Posted by Dagny on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:13 pm PDT

    I totally disagree that kids should call adults by their first names. It's completely disrespectful and eliminates the line of authority between adults and minors. Even worse is the trend of schools allowing students to call their teachers by their first names! Children are not equals of adults, as much as most 30 and 40-somethings want to make them, and there should be that line drawn. I agree with Lisa above, that I am not the children's friend, I am their parents' friend, and expect to be addressed as such, Ms. Smith, not Jenny or even worse, nothing (as some kids do).

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  • 14. Posted by up4itohio on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:15 pm PDT

    You didn't specify if your children were invited to address other adults by their friendly first names -- the adult should have the choice -- frankly, I don't consider your children my friends

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  • 15. Posted by rotorhead5000 on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:17 pm PDT

    The dropping of the Mr. and Mrs is a wonderful thing, reguardles of where you are. The forcing of such arbitrary social manerisms makes the children out to feel like they are second class citicens, which is hardly good for self esteem among other things. I graduated from a high school where students and teachers are all on a first name basis, and it was marvelous, because you create more of an emotional attatchment to the professors than you would were there an honerifics barrier in the way. SO as such, Mr. and Mrs. are mad outdated.

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  • 16. Posted by diamondsbys on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:18 pm PDT

    Children should always call adults by Mr., or Miss !! How rude to call an adult by their first name! I'm am from the South and I would have had my mouth popped if I would have dared call an adult their first name. Who ever wrote that rule needs to rethink their manners!

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  • 17. Posted by teddywyler on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:19 pm PDT

    I disagree with getting rid of the elbows on the table rule. While I don't find it offensive, I do think it sends the message that the person doing it is crass, lazy and/or undereducated. Probably not the message you want sent when you're trying to make a first impression. On the other hand, if you're out with someone who doesn't care, you may as well feel free to floss your teeth at the table with each other's hair.

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  • 18. Posted by maythefrobewithu on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:21 pm PDT

    I find it hilariously ironic that many of the people responding to the lack of "Mr. and Mrs." (on the basis of respect) are being completely one-sided, rude, and offensive. I quote, "Are you kidding me?", "I don't care if you think it's old fashioned", and "So what if you feel old." Oh, the hypocrisies of our great species.

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  • 19. Posted by Keith W on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:23 pm PDT

    Mr. Mrs. Ms, Sir and Ma'am are one of many good things Southeners do. The South is changing, bad things are now past. Thank God. I once found myself in a strand situation in Denver, after filling up with fuel. The lady in station was obviously gay, short hair, male mannerisms. I don't care if someone is gay, but Ma'am as a habit came rolling out. She proceeded to throw my change at me. I told her I didn't mean anything by it, and if she was a real man I whoop her arse. Of course some was horrified, and others inside thought it was funny. Later I thought how awful it would be to go around life with a chip on your shoulder. So in the end saying Ma'am to Lesbian butches could be a bad thing. ACLU has never contacted me though, YET.

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  • 20. Posted by sameog on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:24 pm PDT

    As a well-bred man, I was raised to have impeccable manners. My parents were strict like that. Well-written article.

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  • 21. Posted by Emily on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:33 pm PDT

    If you know the adult personally and they're okay with it, call them by their first names. However, ALWAYS, ALWAYS make sure your children call their teachers by Mr/Mrs/Ms Last Name. I sub at a high school and I ALWAYS have to remind the students of that rule. Otherwise, I get called things such as Emily, or hey Mrs. Sub Lady, or hey You Teacher Lady!

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  • 22. Posted by otakpor n on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:37 pm PDT

    Heartwarming that there are still concerned citizens out there seeking to revive the fast decaying "old school" manners! It's very offensive in most coloured communities&cultures for adults not to be properly addressed respectfully at least as "Mr; Mrs; Ms; etc".This is worthy of universal application and not a South/North affair.

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  • 23. Posted by otakpor n on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:43 pm PDT

    Heartwarming that there are still concerned citizens out there seeking to revive the fast decaying "old school" manners! It's very offensive in most coloured communities&cultures for adults not to be properly addressed respectfully at least as "Mr; Mrs; Ms; etc".This is worthy of universal application and not a South/North affair.

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  • 24. Posted by l_steeleford on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 7:45 pm PDT

    I was raised with the "Yes Ma'am" "No Sir" mentality, and I'm originally from Illinois. Guess it just depends on the family on that one. As someone without children, I can't speak from personal experience with raising them, but I think it all depends upon the circumstances. If you're in an authority position then the Mr. Ms. or Mrs. is appropriate all the way. However, if you're in a situation where you're trying to talk to a child and you don't want to intimidate them, a first name basis might be better.

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  • 25. Posted by tweetyfriend15 on Thu, Jun 04, 2009, 8:00 pm PDT

    im only 12 and my dad has always been on the yes ma'am and no sir stuff its realy polite and stuff so im on with24 its not always bad its just about tradition and familys and with mine we say stuff like that

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  • 26. Posted by kaptain_karnage4208@ymail.com on Fri, Jun 05, 2009, 12:55 am PDT

    What can we say southerners are more mannered than anyone else...Proud of that too!=D

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  • 27. Posted by Molly M on Fri, Jun 05, 2009, 2:17 am PDT

    I went to a school where teachers were called by their first names and I was still polite and respectful to them. I agree that it's not necessary to address adults formally, but maybe ask your friends what they want to be called! Opinions on this differ, and I think it's pretty rude to assume your friends don't mind your kids calling them Bob and Mary instead of Mr. and Mrs.

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  • 28. Posted by delanivt on Fri, Jun 05, 2009, 3:57 am PDT

    i agree with everyone about the dropping of Mr. or Ms. its rediculous. when i was a kid we called our parent's friends or our friend's parents aunt or uncle and everyone else Mr. or Ms. i think that the self-esteem issue has gotten out of hand. teachers not allowed to use red pen anymore becasue its bad for the kids self-esteem. give me a break.

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  • 29. Posted by delanivt on Fri, Jun 05, 2009, 4:01 am PDT

    the only time its ok to call an adult by their first name is when they give you permission. so molly m, if one of your friends dosent mind being called by their first name, then they can tell the kids that, until then give the adults to benefit of the doubt and call them Mr. or Ms.

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  • 30. Posted by Jennifer R on Fri, Jun 05, 2009, 7:19 am PDT

    Not only should KIDS not call an adult by their first name, another ADULT should not call someone by their first name unless they are told they may do so. If I call a person that I do not know personally on the phone, I say, "May I speak to Mr./Ms. Whomever?" If they respond (or answer the phone) with "This is John/Jane, what can I do for you?" then I take it as an implied permission to call them by their first name. Business colleagues, it has changed. When you get to executive levels, these days it seems the respectful way to refer to someone, or introduce them, is by their full name, but with no title (unless they are Dr. Someone)... for example, at a meeting, you will hear, "John Smith will be heading up this project, Jane Brown will be in charge of the other one." Only in smaller groups where the participants are already on a familiar, first-name basis will they go with just "John" and "Jane".

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